It’s been a while since I did a review, primarily because of school reasons but I am officially back now and I am determined to start this New Year off with a bang. And start it with a bang I will. A really big bang.
That’s right, folks. What better way to kick off the New Year off than with a review of a really bad movie. But first, we’re gonna start off 2013 by taking a little trip to the magical world of the 80’s. The 80’s were the best decade for movies, best decade for TV, and of course the best decade for music. I am a huge 80’s buff. 80’s for the win. Specifically we are going back to the year 1987. From my understanding, 1987 was probably not a good year for movies, not that I’m saying that all movies that came out in 1987 were bad. There were good movies that came out in 1987, such as Lethal Weapon, The Untouchables, Predator, Robocop, Dirty Dancing… I could go on. But most of the movies that came out that year were bad, including the movie that we’re reviewing today.
The 80’s had its fair share of crappy movies but in contrast to movies that come out in today’s world, even the 80’s crap was better than most of today’s movies. But this particular movie goes beyond crap. This movie is so bad that every respectable critic that reviewed this movie from Siskel and Ebert all the way to the Nostalgia Critic have said unanimously that this movie sucks. That, accompanied by the fact that this movie has a 0% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes and many people has called this movie “the worst movie ever made.” And it’s also so bad that Doug Walker, the man behind the Nostalgia Critic devoted the last fifteen minutes of his Top 11 Worst Movies he’s ever had to review video ranting about this movie which was his top pick for the worst movie ever. So what is this movie? Well, it’s The Garbage Pail Kids Movie.
Before we begin, let’s talk a little bit about the director of this movie, a chap by the name of Rod Amateau, who started out during the days of Radio before branching out into movies and television and whose career spanned almost four decades prior to this movie. His name has been attached to many successful TV shows and movies over the years including being a supervising producer and has directed several episodes as well as the pilot episode of a TV show that was a big staple of my childhood as well as the childhoods of a lot of people in my generation: The Dukes of Hazzard. So with that body of work, why would a guy like Rod Amateau go from The Dukes of Hazzard to this piece of crap? Let’s find out.
The plot (what little there is anyway) focuses on a kid named Dodger (played by 80’s sitcom star Mackensie Astin) who is bullied by a group of bullies who actually look more like they could be in their twenties in which case they should be in jail for picking on a kid. In one of his run-ins with the bullies, a garbage can is accidentally opened and next thing you know, those little mean-spirited disgusting demons (played by actors in really badly-made animatronic suits) are released to cause mayhem in a variety of disgusting ways. I believe details are unnecessary, but I can tell you that in terms of the gross-out humor, they really push the envelope here, especially for a PG movie.
Dodger soon enlists the kids to help make clothes because surprise, surprise he’s trying to impress a girl (who obviously looks like she is her twenties and is the stereotypical hot chick that every guy wants.) She’s obviously involved with the bullies but she appears to be interested in Dodger, if only to use him to get what she wants which is to be a big fashion designer even if it means being a shallow bitch in order to accomplish her goals.
Before I go any further, I was in such a rush to get this review over with as quickly as possible that I forgot the backstory of the Garbage Pail Kids themselves. For those of you who don’t know or care for that matter, the Garbage Pail Kids are basically a series of bubble-gum Baseball cards designed to parody the Cabbage Patch Kids dolls that were wildly popular at the time this movie came out. Each card had a kid with a bizarre name like “Messy Tessie,” “Valerie Vomit” and “Ali Gator,” to name a few along with their respective gross superpower, such as pissing their pants every five minutes like what is in the movie. Once is enough but to do it every five minutes is pushing it. And somewhere some big shot in Hollywood thought that they could do a movie around this popular card series. I would have to say that it was a bad idea. And it’s also a bad idea that is about to repeat itself. At press time, there are plans to remake this movie using CGI that is supposed to be out sometime soon. Be afraid, viewers. Be very afraid.
As far as the overall story goes, it seems like the story was put together by someone who had been dropped on their head repeatedly as a child. That’s how bad it is. Like Twilight, this movie is designed to kill the brain cells of anyone who watches this movie. In fact, I’m pretty much convinced that this movie is the harbinger of The Twilight Saga, which has recently been named the worst movie of all time, or movies I would say because I am guessing that all five movies are included in that aspect.
Is this movie for kids? Contrary to the fact that this movie carries a PG rating and is aimed at kids, I would have to say no fucking way! No kids should see this movie. It’s too dark, mean-spirited, gross beyond what is acceptable, violent, and above all else, it’s stupid, stupid, STUPID! And the concept of a prison known as the State Home for the Ugly? Really? While I give that idea points for originality, I don’t agree with the fact that the writers made Abraham Lincoln, Santa Claus, and Gandhi inmates. Why don’t we trade them for Rasputia from Norbit, the cast of Honey Boo Boo, and Edward Cullen? At least putting the kids in there is the right idea. In fact, I might just change the name of the institution to the State Home for Crappy Entertainment. That would be more respectful.
Do I even need to continue this review any further? Summing this up, the acting sucks, the effects suck, the story sucks, the directing sucks… Now I have searched for a reason why I should not hate this movie and I have searched for a reason to prove all the critics wrong, and you know what? ALL THE CRITICS ARE RIGHT! THIS MOVIE SUCKS! Anyone associated with this movie deserve whatever bad karma they get!
See? I told you I would be starting this year off with a bang.