For starters, this will actually be the first review in a while in which the movie is not based on a comic book. And as you may recall, so far in every movie I’ve reviewed I actually praised the movie. So I’m sure a lot of you may ask the question, “When are you going to review a bad movie?” Well, today.
I’m going to review a movie that’s so bad that it ought to be outlawed by the Geneva Convention and it makes Batman and Robin look like Titanic. So what is this monstrosity I’m supposed to review? Norbit!
Eddie Murphy, what the hell happened to you? You used to be so funny and your movies used to be awesome. I’m talking 48 Hrs., Beverly Hills Cop (the first 2 anyway), Trading Places, and Coming to America. All funny movies. all of them awesome. Then all of your movies started to suck. I mean, name one good movie Eddie Murphy has done in the last 20 years, besides the voice of Donkey in Shrek. Well, he did get an Oscar nomination for a supporting role in the 2006 movie Dreamgirls (which I have not seen yet.) And he seemed like the lock to win the Oscar.
So what happened? THIS MOVIE HAPPENED! This movie cost him the Oscar. And that’s not the worst of it. The worst tragedy about this movie is THIS MOVIE MADE MONEY! This was a box office hit when it should have been DOA like the rest of Eddie’s movies in the last 10 years. This makes Nutty Professor II (another bad film where Eddie wore a fat suit) look good, even though the giant hamster turning Eddie’s boss into a soprano was a nice touch.
But anyway, I’ve said enough. So grab your popcorn tin and your vomit pails (it would be best not to confuse them) and let’s get on with it.
The movie opens with Norbit as a kid being tossed out of a car in front of an orphanage run by an Asian man (played by NONE OTHER THAN EDDIE MURPHY!) Were they trying to offend every stereotype known to man in this movie? It’s almost like Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany’s, but at least Mickey Rooney’s Asian character in that movie was funny! But to be fair, Eddie’s Asian character is the only good character in the movie. So anyway, Norbit grows up in the orphanage and there he became close with a girl named Kate, who’s a nice, cute sweet girl. So it basically starts out as a standard boy meets girl, boy falls for girl, boy loses girl (she gets adopted) story. Then some time, Norbit is saved from bullies by a girl named Rasputia (a female variation of Rasputin, one of the most evil men who ever lived) and she is a complete 180 from Kate. Instead of the nice sweet cute girl, we get an overweight, ugly, mean-spirited oversexed abomination of a human being who practically forces her way on Norbit because he’s too nice and weak-minded to know the meaning of the word no.
And if you think Rasputia was ugly as a kid… It gets worse.
Fast forward to them as adults and Norbit has grown up to become Eddie Murphy only now Norbit looks like a 40-year-old Steve Urkel with a really bad fro and a voice that’s reminiscent of his days playing the grown-up Buckwheat from The Little Rascals during his days on SNL. And Rasputia? Well, I’ll let this image speak for itself.
That is what Eddie Murphy looks like in a fat suit and in drag! Get used to that image, people. You will be seeing THAT for the rest of the movie!
So they unfortunately get married and Norbit is working for Rasputia’s brothers’ construction company which serves as a front for their extortionist activities where they bully practically the whole town. And speaking of the marriage, the sex scenes in this movie are painful to watch. Yes, I said it, painful. Their sex scenes are so bad that it could very well be considered torture. Sadly, this is the only time in the movie where we feel sorry for Norbit, primarily because he is a nice guy and this is a situation that nice guys find themselves in every day. And that is clearly not good.
And even worse the only one who actually finds that thing attractive is her aerobics instructor (Marlon Wayans.) Marlon, WHERE’S YOUR DIGNITY?!
However, there is a light at the end of Norbit’s tunnel. His old friend, Kate (played by Thandie Newton, the token hot chick who should be offered an apology for being in this movie) comes back into town because she wants to take over the orphanage and the two reconnect. However, she has a fiancé, played by Cuba Gooding, Jr. who is (surprise, surprise) a douchebag who is in league with Norbit’s evil brother-in-laws because they want to buy the orphanage so they can turn it into a nudie bar. So will they succeed? Will Norbit abandon his evil wife in favor of true love?
Despite the horrifying mess that this movie truly is, there are actually some good performances. In addition to Murphy’s performance as the Asian orphanage owner (only), Thandie Newton actually brings a ray of light to this film even though it doesn’t deserve it and it’s good to see the pimps (one of whom is played by Eddie Griffin) as the good guys.
However, none of these things can save this movie. There is absolutely no redeeming quality to this movie at all. And that, combined with the fact that this movie has only a 9% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes, I cannot ignore that. So there is nothing else to say except… this movie is the biggest and most offensive, racist, stupid, disgusting, mean-spirited, irreverent, hopeless, shameless, pig-headed, vomit-inducing worm-headed piece of crap I’ve ever seen in my life! But above all else, THIS MOVIE SUCKS! Avoid it like the plague! If you have this movie on DVD, destroy it! Kill it before it multiplies!
So anyway, that’s how I deal with bad movies. Oh, yeah, one more thing. Earlier this year, Eddie Murphy and the director of Norbit teamed up to direct a movie called “A Thousand Words.” Anyone remember that one? Neither do I.
Karma’s a bitch, Eddie. Karma’s a bitch.